Where I Fall, Is Where I Land
by thisismemyself
Summary: AU: To say Finn was surprised when his girlfriend turns to him and whispers that she wants to kill herself is the understatement of the year. Loosely based off "The Pact" by Jodi Picoult.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: All memories between Finn and Rachel are italicized.**

_Warning: This story contains thoughts of suicide. _

_I do not own Glee._

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><p>It was kind of the running joke in the family that Rachel and Finn were meant to be together ever since the womb. Rachel's "mom" (a surrogate for her two gay dads) and his mom met each other during classes that helped prepare women for birth. Carole said the first time she ever felt Finn kick was when she and the surrogate's bellies were right next to each other.<p>

They were born three weeks apart.

Finn was born first. He was there when Rachel was born. Not like he remembers or anything, but there are pictures of a little Finn bundled in green next to an even littler Rachel covered in pink. When Carole got the news that her husband had died over seas, the Berry's suggested Carole and Finn movie into the tiny house next door to them. When Finn was a month old the Hudson family moved right in next to the Berry family. They've been inseparable ever since.

Finn and Rachel were basically raised as one unit. They ran together naked in their diapers, learned how to pump their feet together on the swing set, and entered Kindergarten together. Always together.

No one was surprised when friendship turned into something more.

One day Rachel pressed her lips to his when they were thirteen. When she pulled back Finn smiled at her and said, "Let's do that again." Suddenly, they weren't just best friends. They weren't as close as brother and sister. They were in love. Finn couldn't have been more thrilled.

Childhood was magical. Perfect. And when Finn entered high school with Rachel Berry on his arm, he figured teenage years would be just as awesome.

Wrong.

To say Finn was surprised when his girlfriend turns to him and whispers that she wants to kill herself is the understatement of the year. Rachel immediately laughs it off and says "just kidding!" in that adorable high pitched voice of hers. But Finn sees the lie. Their was truth behind that 'just kidding.' He lets it go. This time.

The second time his girlfriend tells him she wants to kill herself she doesn't laugh it off.

"Finn," she murmured as they cuddled on the coach, "do it with me. Let's just end it. Life. We could spend eternity with each other. In heaven, afterlife, hell, I don't care. As long as I'm with you."

Finn sits up off the coach and looks at Rachel. Horrified. "Baby, where the hell is this coming from? We have forever to spend _here_ on Earth. Why would you want to kill yourself?"

Rachel's eyes well up with tears. "I hate it here Finn. I hate it. I want out. With you."

Finn takes Rachel's face into his hands, "Rachel. I don't ever want to hear you talk like this. Ever. We will get out of here. New York, right? Like you told me. It's summer, and one more year of high school. We can do this."

A few tears slide down Rachel's face, "But Finn I…"

"No stop. Promise me Rachel. _Promise me_ you will never hurt yourself."

Rachel looks down, ashamed. "I promise."

Finn kisses her head. Then the side of her temple, and trails a small line of kisses until he reaches her lips. "I love you too much to lose you." He says before kissing her softly.

"I love you, too," Rachel says, reciprocating the kiss, "more than anything in the world."

Finn doesn't know if that's enough.

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><p>"<em>Finn Hudson let's <em>_**go**__!" a ten- year old Rachel called from the Hudson's front door._

"_Rach it is only 7:20! School starts at 8:15! We live five minutes away!" cried Finn from his room. He was so not ready for summer vacation to end. To think that Rachel and him couldn't go to the lake anymore and jump and splash. Instead they would have homework and stupid stuff. Crap he wasn't sposed to say stupid. Crap he wasn't supposed to say crap either…Rachel always got mad._

_Finn walked down his stairs to see a very crisp looking Rachel standing in front of him. Plaid knee-socks, plaid skirt, and ribbon in her hair. Not her normal summer attire but Finn still liked it._

"_Finn I don't think you understand the severity of this situation. If we are late for fifth- grade the teachers will hate me. I could not handle that! Early birds get the worm!" Finn rolled his eyes. He never understood why his best friend was always so concerned with what other people thought. She was totally awesome! Everyone knew that!_

"_Whatever you say Rachel." Finn picked up his backpack and the two walked to their elementary school. _

_Finn wasn't surprised they got there before anyone else. They even beat out some of the teachers. It was kind of boring cause Rachel was doing some before school studying. They were learning "Family Life" (aka sex. His mom already sat him down for that painful conversation) this year. Finn remembered when he walked into Rachel's room and she was reading about the uh, male anatomy. She couldn't look him in the eyes for days. _

_Ha._

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><p>After Finn left Rachel's house that day he had a lot of thoughts running through his brain. This was the second time Rachel had mentioned suicide. Finn couldn't wrap his mind around it. She was so talented, relatively liked by her glee club members (Finn was in it too, Rachel threatened to end their relationship if he didn't join), and generally a positive person. He just didn't understand.<p>

She said she was over it. All the shit that happened to her freshman year. She swore.

"Hey mom." Finn said as he went into his own house.

"How was Rachel, honey?" His mom called from the kitchen. "All five of us haven't gotten together in ages. We must have a pizza night soon." By the "five of us" his mom meant the Hudson's and the Berry's. Carole and Rachel's dad were pretty much as close as Rachel and Finn were. On the friendship level. Not on the romantic level. Gross.

"Ya I guess," Finn replied, then paused, "uh, hey mom? Have you ever known someone whose, like committed suicide?"

Carole looked up, concerned. "Why sweetie? Did someone commit suicide? I didn't see anything on the news."

"No I guess I was just like, wondering or something"

"No I've never known anyone who has. It's pretty common amongst teenagers who are depressed." Depressed? Rachel wasn't depressed. She was usually always smiling and laughing as his dumb jokes. That didn't seem like a depressed person to him.

Besides she went to counseling and stuff for all that _crap_ she went through. Finn can't even bring himself to think about it. It pisses him off so much.

Carole continued, "You know Finn, it's sad. Some teens just don't think they belong in this world anymore. That no one loves them."

Finn nodded and exited up to his room. If there was one thing Finn knew for sure about Rachel, is that she knew he loved her.

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><p><em>They were on the fifth grade field trip. Every class goes every year to the woods to camp and sing songs and what not. Finn was actually really excited because it was the first time Rachel and he had ever been away from home. Of course they weren't aloud to sleep in the same tent because she was a girl and he was a boy. Whatever, he was with Mike Chang and Noah Puckerman. They were all right, but no Rachel.<em>

_That's why currently at 1:01 am Rachel and he had snuck out of their tent to lay on the ground together and watch the stars._

"_Ugh. I hate them." Rachel said as they gazed into the beautiful sky._

"_Who?"_

"_My tent mates. Santana Lopez and Quinn Fabray. They think they are so cool because they have developing breasts or something." Finn blushed. He had noticed Rachel was a little slower in the "development" part then some of her other classmates. He knew she was self- conscious about it. Quinn Fabray had the biggest boobs in the whole 5__th__ grade. Finn could see her bra straps sometimes._

"_Ya that's stupid." Finn said._

"_Don't say stupid Finn. It makes you sound stupid." Rachel sighed. _

"_Sorry, Rach. You know I don't mean to."_

_There was a pause._

"_Do you ever think about it? Sex, I mean. Do you ever think about sex?"_

_Woah there was a turn in conversation. Finn gulped._

"_Not really." He lied easily._

"_I do." Rachel said. "I think about it a lot. I mean…how does it fit?" Rachel and Finn glanced at each other seriously for one moment and then burst out into a fit of laughter._

_Apparently they were so loud that a counselor could here them. _

"_HEY! YOU TWO! GET BACK INTO YOUR TENTS!"_

_Rachel and Finn shot up from the ground and sprinted in the opposite direction to their respective tents._

_That night Finn lay awake thinking. His best friend thought about sex. He thought about it too. He wondered what it would be like if he and Rachel became more than friends. For the first night of his life Finn Hudson had a dream about Rachel Berry that wasn't friendly. He had a dream he was kissing her and running his hands through her brown hair. He woke up feeling like an idiot. He could never like his best friend! Hello, that's why it was called a best friend!_

_He thought about Quinn's boobs instead._

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><p>When Finn went up to his room he sat on his bed and looked out his window. The best thing about where he lived was that yes, he lived next to Rachel, but their rooms were also adjacent to each other and they could both look out their windows and see each other.<p>

Rachel hadn't gone up to her room since he left, but he felt his phone buzz.

Finn looked at his phone and saw one new message from Rachel. It said how she couldn't go to the lake tomorrow because her dad wanted to take her to do some before school shopping at the mall. Dammit, Finn thought. Rachel was always giddy with excitement when they went to the lake. It was their special place. He wanted to see joy light up her face.

He texted her back that it was okay and that he loved her.

God, he loved her.

He could never live without Rachel Berry.

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreci<strong>**ated!**

**Suicide is a serious issue. Please if you know someone or have thoughts of suicide call 1-800-273-TALK (National Suicide Prevention Hotline). **

**TBC **


	2. Chapter 2

It's the first day of senior year. Finn and Rachel ride in Finn's pick up truck to school. To Finn's excitement, Rachel is super happy to be back at McKinley High.

"Finn I have all these ideas for Glee Club this year, I'm hoping to consult Mr. Schue about them before first period, but he always seems to hide from me…" Rachel continued to ramble on.

Glee Club was something that Rachel put her all in. She was like, an amazing singer, so Finn thought it was pretty cool that she got to perform and stuff. Finn has an okay voice too. It's something they do together.

When they pull into the school parking lot Rachel jumps out and smoothes her dress down. Finn goes to hold her backpack for her.

"That's completely unnecessary Finn. We don't have a class together until third period. And I told you I was going to go talk to Mr. Schue!" Rachel let out a large huff.

"Let me just walk you there, okay?" Finn was reluctant to let his possibly suicidal girlfriend go anywhere. Actually before Rachel said she wanted to harm herself, he still walked her to class.

Even if _they_ were expelled. He was always cautious.

It was just so damn confusing. Some nights she just sobs into his shoulder, but times like these? When she's her normal dramatic giddy self? What the fuck was going on? She had been normal (well, as normal as Rachel could be) her sophomore and junior year. She got over her awful freshman year. She said she was past it. But suddenly the pain he used to see in her face when she was fifteen had reappeared.

Rachel rolls her eyes. "Fine. Mr. Hudson I swear sometimes I think you think I'm going to get lost from the parking lot to school," she giggles.

Finn smiled but grabs her hand anyways and interlocks their fingers. They make their way to the school entrance.

Standing outside the entrance door is Quinn Fabray.

"Hey Finn!" Quinn smiles brightly. "Happy to be seniors, huh? Oh, hey Rachel!" Finn nodded and waved while Rachel squeezed his hand tighter. As if she thought he was going to try and let go.

Quinn was kind of known to be a mega diva bitch, but both he and Rachel knew better. If anyone had it worse then Rachel during their early years of highs school, it was Quinn. Quinn was in glee club with them, and she went through a pretty rough period. She gave her baby up for adoption in her sophomore year. Her and Puck thought they could figure it out, but both decided they weren't mature enough in the end to handle a little baby girl.

So ya, Quinn was cool. Even though Rachel was pretty resistant towards her.

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><p><em>It was sixth grade and Finn and Rachel were having a sleepover at Rachel's house. They'd had hundreds and hundreds of play-dates and sleepovers before, but this one felt different.<em>

_This was the first time one of them had a boyfriend or girlfriend._

_Finn had asked Quinn out two weeks ago during recess. It was one of those middle school relationships where everyone knows you're together but the two people don't actually talk to each other. They just blushed and looked down at their feet when in the same proximity. _

_Finn could tell Rachel was pissed about this relationship. But it's not like he and Rachel were together or anything! Despite Finn always staring at her recently developed barely their boobs all the time… _

_One day Rachel came crying into the Hudson house to see his mom. She started weeping, "Sometimes having two gay dads is really hard!"_

_His mom smiled knowingly and she took Rachel into the bathroom, and then the two went out shopping. Not that Finn was creeping on Rachel's personal life or anything, but he saw Target bags with training bras and boxes of tampons. Finn blushed the deepest shade or red, but he never told Rachel that he saw. She would slaughter him._

_Anyways, so yeah he was "dating" Quinn. Rachel was mad. What the heck?_

"_I just don't understand Finn. You never said anything about liking her until you heard that she liked you!" Rachel spurted out as they sat on her bed eating popcorn and playing Pictionary. _

_Finn shrugged. "I don't tell you everything, Rachel." _

_Rachel eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head, "What do you mean you don't tell me everything? I tell you everything!" She actually looked like she was about to cry, "Finn, I thought it was me and you against the world. Now that stupid girl is in the way of us being best friends forever." She quickly swiped away tears that had escaped from her eyes._

"_Rachel you shouldn't say the word stupid." Finn gave a small smile. He was uncomfortable around a crying Rachel, but he was hoping their little inside joke would cheer her up._

"_Finn Hudson, don't you tell me what to say." Rachel looked up, tears still in her eyes but a small smile on her face._

"_Rachel, you know that you're my best friend. Always. Besides, Quinn and I don't even talk! She's super awkward around me! Not like you."_

_Rachel's face immediately brightened and she smiled her Rachel 'I'm as STAR!' Berry smile._

_Finn couldn't explain the butterflies he felt when she gave that smile._

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><p>They were in the back seat of his truck after school. Rachel was straddling his lap and she had her hands laced around his neck. She was kissing him with such passion that Finn felt as if he was going to pass out. God, it had been so long since he had been able to touch her, wrap his hands in her long beautiful hair, feel her pelvis rub down onto his.<p>

Finn pushed his tongue inside Rachel's mouth, she moaned when his tongue brushed hers. He trailed one hand to grab her boob. Rachel pushed herself more into Finn. He wanted more. Needed more Rachel. Always more.

Suddenly, it was gone.

"Finn we have to stop," Rachel panted as their mouths broke apart, "Glee starts in ten minutes."

What. The. Hell. Rachel and Finn had missed their fair share of Glee practice before because they were "busy" doing other things.

It wasn't like he and Rachel were virgins or anything, but it had almost been _three_ weeks since the last time they had sex.

Rachel told him she just didn't feel like it anymore. Why was everything so fucked up? Whatever, Finn wasn't some douche bag who was going to make his girlfriend have sex with him. But wasn't 18 a little early for the sex drive to go? Rachel loved sex! He would know!

Everything was just so damn confusing.

They enter the choir room. Santana and Brittany are in the back giggling, the boys are rough housing, and Tina, Mercedes, Kurt, and Quinn are talking to each other.

"Hey you two. Glad you showed up this time," Mercedes welcomed them with a knowing wink.

"Mercedes I have no idea what you are talking about," Rachel laughed as she took a seat next to Tina.

Finn smiled and went over to catch up with Artie and Puck. But he actually didn't end up talking. He thought.

So the past couple weeks Rachel has mentioned suicide twice, withheld sex, randomly broke out into tears, and didn't feel like talking. And yet, she was excited for school, was chatting up a storm with Mercedes and Kurt right now, and squealed when Finn gave her Sour Patch Kids at lunch.

Was it all a cover up? Is the sadness he sees flicker through her eyes sometimes what she's feeling all the time?

What was wrong with his best friend? His girlfriend?

Yes, shits happened. If you just erased one year of Rachel's life, everything would have been perfect.

But Finn suddenly has the feeling that those 365 days of Rachel's freshman year have suddenly began to haunt her 730 days later.

Finn glanced over at Rachel; she was twirling a piece of hair around her finger. He could never imagine his sweet, hilarious, beautiful girlfriend put a gun to her head.

And yet, when he though about it, he actually could.

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><p>"<em>Finn! Darling, Finn! Where are you?" Quinn Fabray skipped around in her polka dot sundress looking for her boyfriend during lunch recess. <em>

"_Oh no, Rachel! There she is." Finn whipped his head around to see Rachel squeal._

"_We have to run! Let's run!" Rachel said, while jumping up and down._

"_Okay! To the back of the field!"_

_Rachel and Finn took off in a dead sprint to the back of the field, hopefully somewhere where Quinn wouldn't follow._

_Quinn had been acting like a maniac the past month. Following Finn around, giving him stupid nicknames, and she even had the guts to say to hang out with her not Rachel. _

_That's where Finn drew the line._

_Anyways, Finn was too afraid to brake up with her. Rachel always asked persistently, "When are you ending it with that blonde bimbo?"_

_Finn just couldn't bring himself to do it. All of his guy friends already ragged on him enough for the fact that he hung out with Rachel, but dating Quinn compensated for that. Plus he didn't want to have to deal with the wrath of Quinn when he did. _

_When they got to their hiding spot Rachel and Finn plopped down, breathing hard. _

"_I just…*gasp*….don't…. *gasp*… understand why you insist on being with her!" Rachel heaved, "I mean you haven't even kissed her and you've been together for two months!"_

"_I'm saving my first kiss, Rach." Finn said. He wasn't out of breath. Football practices had left him in top shape, unlike his little best friend who played one year of soccer and then quit. _

"_Who are you saving it for?" Rachel asked. Her eyes casting downwards to the ground. She mindlessly picked at the grass below her._

"_Some girl who means a lot more to me than Quinn." Finn sighed. He knew what girl he wanted it to be. _

_He couldn't explain it, but he thought about Rachel. A lot. How pretty her brown eyes were, how much he wanted to touch her, and how full her lips were. What would it be like to kiss them… he wanted to break up with Quinn so bad. He wanted to be able to hug his best friend without feeling disgusting because he was thinking about so much more than hugging. _

_It was so strange. He knew Rachel since before he could remember. The girl he had had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich fight with all those years ago now flooded his dreams._

_He couldn't tell though if Rachel felt the same way. Sometimes she would blush when he told her that he liked her outfit, but then there were other times when they would watch a movie at his house and she would be all 'he's SOOOO cute!' about the actor. What was that about?_

_He thinks his mom knows that he "like likes" Rachel. She always kisses him on the forehead and says, "Girls can be confusing, can't they?"_

_Anyways, so yes. He's in a hot mess between Quinn and Rachel. It sucked._

"_Finn! Finn…earth to Finn!" Rachel waved her hand in front of his face. _

"_What? Oh uh…"_

"_Recess is over let's go!" she smiled._

_They do their routine that they've always done. Finn stands up and he helps Rachel up. Rachel likes the way Finn flings her up in the air. She feels like a fairy, or something like that._

_They run back to their classroom, where an angry Quinn was waiting._

"_Finn may I have a word, please?" Quinn said with her arms folded across her chest. _

"_Um, sure." Finn glanced at Rachel._

"_Without her!" Quinn pointed at Rachel. _

"_I guess…"_

_Finn walked over to Quinn._

"_Listen Finn, you're a great guy, don't get me wrong. But we need to break up. You don't pay attention to me. You don't do anything a boyfriend should. And you only hang out with Rachel Berry all day!" Quinn huffed._

"_Yes, because she's my-…"_

"_Best friend! I know, Finn," Quinn interrupted him, "the whole entire world knows Rachel is your best friend! But you want to know a secret that only I, someone who has been trying to get your attention for two months now, knows? You. Are. Hopelessly. In. Love. With. Her."_

"_What! No! No I am not!" Finn lied._

"_It's alright Finn. You're secrets safe with me. But, I hope you know that this relationship is officially over right now." With that, Quinn stomped off to her friends. _

_Finn stood there, dumbfounded. Rachel came up._

"_What did she want?" she asked._

"_She broke up with me," Finn said, "Hey wait! Rachel she broke up with me! We are finally broken up! Wooo-hoo!" Finn yelled._

"_Finn, I'm so happy for you!" Rachel said and gave him an enormous bear hug._

_Finn held onto to her for maybe a little more then the appropriate span of a "friendly" hug. _

_They broke apart._

"_Did she say why? You know, why she broke up?" Rachel asked._

"_She accused me of being in love with you. Isn't that insane?" Finn blurted out, without really thinking._

_Rachel paused, "Wow yeah. That's um, pretty crazy. Let's just go to class!" As they walk to class Rachel begins to narrate using her hand as a fake microphone, "Finn Hudson walking to class! A newly single man heads to Earth Science. Tell me Finn Hudson, how does it feel to be single?"_

_Rachel shoves her "microphone" at Finn's face. Finn looks down at his crazy best friend._

"_Amazing." He says. _

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><p><strong>Thanks for all the alerts and favorites for the last chapter, but don't forget to review! Thanks:) <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Finn is lying on his bed trying to figure out his math homework. He's a little mad, okay? He wanted Rachel to help him, but Rachel has a ton of homework too and said that whenever they do homework together they get "distracted." (Totally true! It's awesome!) So he's in his room, with his shade closed because he knows Rachel like to keep hers open and he would just look outside his window into hers and get well, you know, "distracted."

The thing that totally sucks though is that Rachel's dads are over at his house having dinner with his mom. Finn could be at Rachel's right now and they could be making out!

But the good news is that is has been six whole weeks since his girlfriend has mentioned suicide. Six whole weeks, and they've both come out relatively unscathed. They go to school, study, make love, and laugh together. Just like old times. Almost.

Although Rachel doesn't talk about killing herself, he can see that she is detached. From conversation, glee club, and friends. He's worried about his girl.

When Finn hears one of her dads let out a roar of laughter from downstairs, Finn feels the sudden urge to get up and look outside his window. Just to check on Rachel. See what she's up to.

What he sees almost makes him faint.

He can see Rachel. In her room. Fiddling with….holy shit…. That's a fucking gun. Rachel Berry is in her pink and yellow room toying with a gun.

Finn has never sprinted to Rachel's house faster than that moment.

His mom shouts out as he slams the front door close, "Where are you going?"

Finn can't hear. Can't breathe. He flings open the Berry's door (thankfully unlocked) and runs to Rachel's room.

"What the HELL is going on in here!" Finn screams as he enters Rachel's room.

Rachel jumps a mile high. He's startled her.

"Finn!" Rachel looks at him completely shocked, "How did you get in here?"

Finn strides over to Rachel and grabs her wrist with the gun in her hand, "Never fucking mind how I got in. Why the hell is this gun in your hand?" Finn yells in her face.

He's clutching her wrist, his brain is pulsing, he's never been so _so_…

"Finn you're scaring me," Rachel whimpers, "please sit down." Finn sits down on Rachel's bed, putting his hands in his face.

"Tell me Rachel. Tell me what this is all about."

Rachel begins while still holding the gun, "I told you Finn. I'm unhappy here," she says quietly, "I just…I don't see the point anymore. In life."

Finn looks up. "Rachel. If you can't see the point, then please, live for me. I can be your point in life."

Rachel looks down, ashamed, "No… I can't do that."

"Don't you understand? I can't live without you. I love you." He's pleading.

"I love you, too. But it's not enough"

Finn doesn't know what to think.

He looks at Rachel with her gun that she has now placed on her desk, "Not enough? Not a fucking nuff for you? I have given you everything, Rachel! Everything! And how do you repay me? By shooting your fucking brains out?"

Rachel looks as if he's punched her, "FINN! You have_ no_ idea what I am going through okay? I've been struggling with depression since _freshman_ year Finn! You just waltz in here, thinking that you can control what I do!" Rachel's eyes are red and angry, face puffed with madness like suddenly a bomb went off in her, "YOU CAN'T OKAY? YOU CAN'T! IF I WANT TO DIE, THEN I CAN!"

All Finn can see is fire, blazing angry fire.

"I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND. I GET A SAY IN HOW YOU LIVE!"

"YOU KNOW WHAT SOMETIMES BEING YOUR GIRLFRIEND CAN BE REALLY CONFUSING FOR ME! One minute you were my best friend, and the next we are having sex. Sometimes I feel like I'm in love with my brother."

The angry fire has just been put out in Finn; he's washed over in confusion.

Finn's jaw drops, "Your brother? Wow, Rachel that makes me feel really great. Knowing that I have given one hundred percent in this relationship, and you are feeling whatever the fuck you want and not telling me. Wow, really great."

Rachel's arms are folded across her chest; Finn is looking at her as if he's never seen this woman who sits across him before.

They've never fought like this before. Never just not understood each other before.

"Get out of my house. Right now," Rachel whispers.

Finn stands up, looking like he wants to say something but can't. "Fine. But I'm taking this with me," he grabs the gun, "and you better be alive when I pick you up for school tomorrow."

Finn is keeping his curtain open tonight.

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><p><em>In seventh grade, things changed. Finn grew in height, and Rachel grew boobs, not to mention developed killer legs. Finn noticed that Rachel started wearing makeup, too.<em>

_He and Rachel were still best friends, don't get him wrong, it's just now there was an awkward tension._

_He had tried to get rid of the crush he had on her, but nothing worked. She was too perfect._

_The Berry's and the Hudson's took their annual Christmas vacation to a small cabin in the woods. They skied and drank hot chocolate around the fire. It was Finn's favorite part of the year. He loved skiing and hanging out with the Berry's. _

_Rachel's parents and his mom went out for dinner at an "adult" place apparently, so they left Rachel and Finn home alone in the cabin._

"_Finn let's play scrabble!" Rachel said as she pulled the game out from underneath the couch they were sitting on._

"_No fair! You only want to play because you win all the time."_

_Rachel smiled, "Exactly!"_

_They started playing but soon both got bored with the game._

_Rachel moved the game to the coffee table and scooted closer to Finn._

"_Hey, Finn?"_

"_Yea?"_

"_Can I try something?" Rachel bit her bottom lip and her eyes glanced towards Finn's lips._

"_What do you want to-"_

_His words were cut off has Rachel suddenly grabbed his shirt and pressed her lips against his._

_Finn was in complete shock, but he awkwardly held onto Rachel's body as he began to respond to the kiss._

_Finn's whole world was being rocked; his best friend was moving her lips softly against his. Finn went to stroke her face, relishing in the softness of her cheek._

_They broke apart. Rachel was blushing and Finn was still holding onto her._

"_Let's do that again," Finn said._

_Rachel smiles slightly as the two teens embrace again this time with fewer hesitancies and more passion._

_From the day on Finn knew he Rachel was it for him._

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><p>Finn gets back in his room and starts pacing. He throws the gun in his drawer. (He checked, and it wasn't loaded.) He doesn't know what to do, who to tell, why this is happening.<p>

He hears the Berry's leave and watches from his window to see them enter their house. At least Rachel is not alone in the house…

He needs to tell someone. But Rachel would never forgive him, never let him forget it. He could possibly lose her if he told someone.

Finn looks into Rachel's room and sees her on her bed. Crying face down on her bed. He can tell that she is sobbing from the way her shoulders are moving.

Finn runs a hand through his hair. How was he going to help is suicidal girlfriend? Was there a cure? Probably not.

He felt like he didn't know anything anymore.

But he saw her on her bed, now curled up in the fetal position, and knew one thing he had to do.

Finn quietly escaped through his window and climbed down a tree; he quickly went to Rachel's house and began climbing up her tree to enter through her window.

He knocked lightly on the glass.

Rachel looked up, her eyes puffy, and walked over to the window.

"I don't want to see you," she mouthed to him.

"Please Rachel," Finn said, "I won't fight with you I promise, baby. Just let me in."

Rachel slowly opened her window to let Finn in.

He climbed through with ease (he had done this before) and as soon as he had two feet on the floor he hugged Rachel.

She could feel him clutching on to his shirt. Her tears making it wet.

Finn rubbed her back soothingly, "It's okay, baby. We'll figure this out. It's okay."

"Finn," Rachel said breaking apart the hug, "I was sitting here. Crying, because I was mad at life and mad at my boyfriend. All I wanted to do was talk to my best friend. But then I realized that my boyfriend and my best friend were the same person."

Finn looked up at her and there was so much in her eyes that and he leaned down to kiss her. He held onto Rachel's face, not wanting to lose the feeling of holding her.

Rachel opened her mouth, her tongue begging for entrance. Finn quickly opened his too and he kissed her with all his might.

"Finn," Rachel said quietly in his ear, "please just take me to bed. Make me forget."

"Anything for you, Rachel. Anything."

Finn laid Rachel on the bed and continued to kiss her. He kissed his way down her neck and unbuttoned her blouse. He laid wet, open mouthed kisses along the valley of her breasts. Cherishing her.

He quickly removed all her clothing, and she his. When he slid into her, they both moaned. Finn never wanted to stop. He wanted to make Rachel feel good for the rest of her life.

As they both got closer to the edge as Finn thrusted into her, Rachel took one hand to lie on his cheek.

"_Finn, _oh god, Finn," Rachel moaned.

"It's okay, baby. Please just let go, for me." Finn kissed her passionately.

Rachel toppled over the edge, moaning his name. Finn followed her.

They stayed quiet for several minutes. Just holding each other.

"This doesn't change anything," Rachel said.

Finn sighed, "I know."

Finn kissed the top of her head. He waited to he could hear her slowly drift off into sleep. Then he got up and dressed, and headed back to his house.

Wondering if that would be the last time he would make love to his girlfriend.

Rachel was always a girl who did what she wanted, and if this was what she wanted to do, then Finn didn't know if he could stop her.

* * *

><p><em>Since the first time they kissed Finn and Rachel had barely talked about it. After their Christmas break, they went back to school like old times and never said anything.<em>

_Until one day Finn and Rachel were sitting on his bed._

_Rachel looked up from her history textbook._

"_I hate my nose," she said._

_Finn looked up. Sure her nose was slightly larger than average, but it was one of his most favorite things about Rachel._

"_Why? I love it." Finn said._

"_It's big, and it's there, and it's distracting!" Rachel huffed._

"_I think it's beautiful."_

_Finn looked at Rachel. Rachel looked at Finn. Without warning Rachel pounced on Finn._

_He didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but Finn believed the correct term was "making out."_

_When they're tongues brushed each other Finn was positive he was going to loose it. _

_They kissed for about seven minutes when a door swung open. It was Rachel's dads. Coming to pick her up._

"_Rachel Barbra Berry! What on earth?" Rachel's papa said._

_Rachel's other dad looked in, "Oh my goodness! Miss Rachel, were you just kissing Finn?" Rachel's daddy looked at her papa, "Hiram! We get to be the protective fathers now! This is so exciting!"_

_Her daddy yelled down the stairs, "Carole! Guess what! We just walked in on Finn and Rachel kissing!"_

_Rachel was mortified with her hands in her face and Finn could hear an audible squeal from his mother downstairs. Carole came rushing into Finn's room._

"_Oh Finn, honey! Rachel! I'm so happy for you two. We always knew this would happen!"_

_Finn's papa spoke, "I know I should want to kill Finn right now for kissing my baby girl but I'm just so happy!"_

_Finn couldn't really explain why their parents were so happy, but his mom made a cake that night and both Rachel's fathers patted him on the shoulder._

_It was like they were just waiting for it to happen all these years._

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for reading, leave a review if you can!<strong>

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: For those of you wondering, this story will not play out exactly like "The Pact." I think you will see many differences in the next couple of chapters. Stay tuned!

Also, there are some offensive parts in this chapter. So just be cautious if you are wary of that sort of thing.

* * *

><p>The next day after the whole gun catastrophe Finn picks Rachel up for school. She gets in the car and doesn't say anything.<p>

Finn looks at her while she tries to avoid eye contact. "Screw school," Finn murmured, "we're not going today."

Rachel looks at him with a curious expression, "What?"

He doesn't say anything as he puts the car in drive and goes.

Rachel sighs.

"Finn this is ridiculous. First of all, it's my life. And second of all, we have a perfect attendance record and I really don't think we should ruin it because you are all in a huff about finding that thing in my room."

"First, it was a gun. And second I didn't find it 'in your room' I found it in your hand." Finn gripped the steering wheel tighter. He didn't want to start another fight.

Rachel didn't say anything but she curled up in a ball and looked outside the window.

A few moments passed, "Where are we even going, Finn?"

"Lake."

"The lake? It's going to be freezing!"

Finn choked on his next words, "It makes you happy."

She had nothing to say to that.

Thirty minutes later the two teens arrived at the lake, passing the "No Entering!" sign like it was an old habit. They stretched out on the green grass letting the cool breeze pass trough their bodies.

Finn could feel Rachel's breathing slow down as she fell into a light sleep. Finn stared at her. She was so beautiful, her face looked so peaceful and she had a little bit of drool coming out of her mouth. She was perfect.

Suddenly though, Rachel cringed in pain. Almost like someone had punched her in the stomach, she started to groan in her sleep, whimpers fell from her mouth.

"No stop," she whined, "Please stop. Please I will never say anything again. Please. _Please_." Rachel started thrashing around.

"Rachel?" Finn shook her, trying to wake her, "Rach, what's wrong? Wake up!"

"No!" Rachel let out an ear-piercing scream, "_No_ don't touch me! No!"

"Baby, it's me, Finn! Just me!" Finn shook her desperately.

Rachel's body shot up, "Wuh? What happened?"

"You had a nightmare," Finn rubbed her back soothingly, eyes full of concern.

Rachel rubbed her eyes, "Oh."

"Rachel it's time to spill. I know you are upset you got bullied in freshman year, but why do you suddenly want to kill yourself?"

Rachel looked at him as if she was about to burst, as if she was trying to hold something back, finally the dam holding the secrets broke, "It wasn't just bullying Finn, okay? It was _torture_!" her voice was thick with tears.

Finn kneeled next to Rachel and put his arm around her, "Then tell me. _Tell_ me."

Rachel looked at him, a sudden darkness covering her eyes, "Fine. As you know, it all started freshman year…"

* * *

><p><em>Rachel was getting ready for her first day of high school. This was it. The big leagues. She was officially in high school!<em>

_Rachel couldn't think of any better way to kick off the next few years. Her papa took her shopping so she got to re-vamp her look, plus she was entering high school with a boyfriend. _

_Not just any boyfriend, but her best friend Finn. Rachel couldn't help but selfishly think of how popular she was going to be, because of her rock star football playing boy. _

_She was going to rule this school._

…

_Rachel did not rule the school._

_She was shocked in her first months of high school how mean some of the people were. They found out she sung and dance, and suddenly she was the butt of the joke. Not even when Finn stuck up for her, they still teased._

_She was stronger than them all, though. She was going to get out of this god forsaken town. _

_Until one day._

_She was in English sitting and waiting for class to start._

_Unfortunately, she shared the class with pigs like Kurofsky and other jocks._

_She heard Kurofsky speak._

"_Hey dude, have you seen that freshman Kurt walk around? He's such a fag."_

"_Yeah man, what a little fairy princess."_

_Rachel whipped her head around, "Excuse me! You're language is offensive and the LGTBQ group is stronger than you can ever hope to be."_

_Kurofsky scoffed, "Look at the little fag dads' baby talk out of turn. Schnoz here acts like a little good girl here but we know she's a slut with Hudson."_

_Rachel was downright offended. "That is disgusting! I have never heard something so untrue and offensive!"_

_Rachel wanted to say so much more but the teacher called the class to attention. _

_She fumed in her seat. The nerve of that boy._

_As soon as the bell rang Rachel began gathering her stuff. Just as she was about to get out of her seat, she could feel a hand on her back. "Whore," Kurofsky whispered and he snapped her bra strap, "you just made your life hell."_

…

_Rachel was changing in the locker room for P.E. She was putting on her red shorts for volleyball when Santana and Brittany walked by. Brittany whispered not so subtly, "OMG, Santana look at that girl. Her stomach fat is hanging out from her days of the week panties."_

_Rachel's eyes burned with tears. She looked down at her stomach. She didn't think anything was wrong._

…

"_Finn," Rachel said as she leaned up against his locker, "Kurofsky, the guy on your football team, has been picking on me lately. Can you tell him to knock it off?"_

_Finn looked down at her, "Of course, baby."_

_Rachel broke out into a small smile. It was the first time he had ever referred to her as baby._

…

_Rachel saw him coming. She tried to quicken her pace. It was no use. He caught her._

"_Hey, slut. How you doing? Heard you fucked your boyfriend last night. Heard you weren't even good." Kurofsky pinned Rachel against a wall._

"_Don't touch me!" Rachel said firmly._

"_C'mon. Don't like it rough?" Kurofsky put his hand on Rachel's throat. Chocking her. _

_Kurofsky's other hand wound to Rachel's butt. He began pinching it painfully._

_Rachel whimpered, tears running down her cheeks, "Please don't do this," she choked out._

"_What? You're faggot dads probably take it up the ass. A little whore like you would love that."_

_Rachel would not let this happen, could not. She did the one self-defense move she knew. She kneed him in the balls. Hard. _

_Kurofsky doubled over in pain. Clutching himself doubled over in pain. Rachel sprinted away as fast as she could._

"_You'll be sorry now, bitch!" he called._

…

_Santana Lopez was re-applying her makeup in the bathroom. She glanced over at Rachel._

"_You know, you'd be doing us all a favor if she went under the knife and got rid of that nose."_

_Normally, Rachel would have defended herself. She normally would have put her in her place._

_Today she didn't feel like it, and silently agreed with her that maybe she should just put her whole body under a knife._

_She quickly erased that thought._

…

_Finn and Rachel sloppily kissed each other on his bed. Mouths fused, hands wandering, and moans could be heard._

"_Touch me, Finn." Rachel breathed in his ear as the kiss broke._

"_Like here?" Finn said as he brushed her breast._

"_No," Rachel murmured grabbing his hand, "like here." She led his hand under her skirt. "You make me feel beautiful."_

_Moments later Rachel arched off the bed, "Oh Finn. Finn, that feels so good."_

_Afterwards, they lay there together. Rachel closed her eyes. Her best friend touched her in her most intimate spot. She thought that's what she wanted but these days she didn't think she knew anything for sure._

…

_Rachel made a new video for her MySpace page. She was very confident in her singing, and she couldn't wait to hear the response for this new video. She was positive everyone would adore it._

_Singing was the only thing that made her feel amazing, and like nothing was wrong._

_With Kurofsky's taunts every single day, the Cheerio's constantly putting her down, and her semi-confusing relationship with Finn, she was just so overwhelmed. Singing made her forget._

_Still, everyday Kurofsky would whisper taunts in her ear. Everyday Santana or anyone else would tell her she's worthless. Everyday Finn tried to be the perfect boyfriend, and she was nowhere near the perfect girlfriend. _

_She was so overwhelmed, and she was only fifteen years old. If this was how the rest of her life was going to go, then she did not want to live it. _

_Anyways, despite her life problems, she was still keeping up with her routine to post her singing videos._

_When the loading was complete, Rachel sat back and waited for comments._

_About 40 minutes later her first comment appeared, and another, and then another, and another._

"_Go die."_

"_Please get sterilized."_

"_u suck!"_

"_Do us a favor and stop doing this."_

_Rachel stared at the screen. Her whole body was still apart from for the silent tears that slid down her face. _

_She got up and ran to her shower. She just wanted to wash her body, feel clean, and get rid of all these feelings._

_She started shaving her legs fiercely. She nicked the cap of her knee. Blood gushed out from the cut. Rachel stared at the cut, the blood coming so fast and so much. She just watched as it pooled to the drain._

_.._

_Rachel was changing in the girls locker room, she was the only one left. It was the end of the day and unfortunately she had P.E. last period. Still, lately she had been waiting till all the girls left in order to change alone. She didn't need to be compared to tall and slender Brittany parading around in her pink polka dot bra._

_She was sliding her yellow cardigan on when she heard footsteps._

"_Hello?" Rachel said hesitantly, "Brittany did you forget your backpack again?"_

"_Nope princess, it's me. And I've brought friends." Kurofsky turned the corner with three other men who looked like they didn't even go to the school. "We want you to keep your mouth shut. We're tired of looking at a bitch that comes from two homos."_

_Rachel turned the corner to sprint away. A man jabbed out and grabbed her wrists and held them behind her back._

"_From now on you'll be quiet. So quiet." Kurofsky slapped her across the face. He tore off her sweater and then brought out a knife. He slit her shoulder. Blood ran down Rachel's back._

_She screamed out in pain._

_They continued to slap her, yell at her, and spit on her. The man holding her arms was gripping so tightly Rachel knew there would be severe bruises._

_Rachel did not know why this was happening to her, why she deserved this. But when she closed her eyes, trying to tune out the torture, she thought of when her and Finn were in the third grade and had tea parties. How he begged that he didn't want to have one, but he always ended up enjoying them. Rachel remembered how he would have more freckles in the summer and they'd drink lemonade by the lake. Perfect._

_Eventually, and thankfully, Kurofsky and his men got bored. Rachel lay there, beaten, bloody, and bruised. Tortured._

"_And if you ever tell anyone about this, me and my friends who you met tonight will be back."_

_In that moment she just wanted to die. Leave this place. But a very small part of her, about five percent whispered, "tell someone."_

…

"_Rachel what's wrong? You seem down." Finn asked as they sat in the choir room, they had both joined glee club recently._

"_You know how I asked you to talk to Kurofsky for me? How he was giving me a hard time?" Rachel said, trying to put it lightly. She made sure her sweater covered all the bruises she had and the band aids that covered her cuts._

"_Yeah, he said he didn't realize what he was doing, that he would lay off."_

_Rachel looked at Finn straight in the eye, trying to convey all the taunts and horror her bully had caused her, "He hasn't stopped."_

_Finn looked shocked, "But…but I told him!"_

"_Finn, it's just been bad."_

_Finn got up. "We're going to Figgens." _

…

_They went to the principle. Rachel's dads came. Finn's mom came. Kurofsky's dad came. Rachel told them all the mean things Kurofsky and his friends did. _

_But she never told what happened in the locker room. She couldn't do it. She knew that the other men in there did not go to McKinley. They were not even in school. They could come back to her. Rape her, or even kill her._

_It ended up that Kurofsky was expelled anyways. Sent to military school. The other football players that had picked on Rachel were suspended for a bit, and even Santana was brought in for discipline. Rachel's dads, who were oblivious to her problems all year long, signed her up for therapy._

_She never told though. Never told how much she thought about killing herself after that. Even after the therapy and when the bruises went away, she still hated herself._

_Yes, sophomore and junior year she put on a show that she was happy. And in some moments, when she was cuddling with Finn or she aced a history test, she began to feel good again. But the nightmares always come back, the depression, and the hatred._

_She had come to a brink point her senior year. She wanted her life to end. But it wouldn't be fair to Finn if she didn't tell him. She would do it anyways, kill herself that is. But she owed it to Finn, after all the wonderful things he did for her, to tell him._

_She honestly couldn't wait for it to finally all be over._

* * *

><p>Rachel looked at Finn, "Do you understand now? Why I can't be in this world anymore?"<p>

Finn looked shell shocked, "There was…a knife? He cut you? He _touched_ you?"

"Yes, Finn. And nothing anybody says, does, or tries will ever work. I don't want to be in this world anymore. There is nothing left for me. And if you loved me, _truly_ loved me, you would let me do this. Just be there with me when I do it?"

Rachel was pleading with Finn.

He bit on his bottom lip and shakily said his next words, "Baby, if it's what you want, then fine. I will be there with you when you kill yourself."

Finn brought Rachel into a stifling hug. He thought about his girlfriend bloody and lifeless. Never to dance, sing, or speak again. The thought made his hear pound and his head dizzy.

Hours after he got home, he vomited into the toilet.

It was all too much.

* * *

><p>AN: This was pretty rough to write, so if you can leave your thoughts it would be much appreciated.

**TBC**


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